Author: Callie Coogle

How to Fix a Doorknob

.Reading time 10 minutes.

It’s all falling apart.

The world, the country, myself, and now my house.

Does anyone know how to fix a doorknob by the way?

Because mine is currently resting in my hand.

I think I can fix it. I think it’s fixable.

The doorknob.

The rest of it all feels Big and out of my control.

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Part 4: Cultures of Grief | Act 1: Grief and Emptiness

.Reading time 18 minutes.

Last week, I ended with several questions that I had no answers for—sort of shaking my fist angrily at my conception of Western Cultures of Grief and how they’ve fucked me up. Over the following week (lifetime), I looked for answers to those questions, internally and externally. Of course, I found no hard answers, but I think I might have found a few insights…

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Part 3: On Grief and Guilt

.Reading time 14 minutes.

Now that I’ve shared my experience of loss, how I felt in the moment, I want to take some time to discuss and explore the After.
We like to say that everyone processes loss differently, but is that really true? I doubt it. I doubt that anything we experience is entirely unique. And that, my friends, is a damn good thing—because it means you are not alone…

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Part 2: The Permanence of Loss

.Reading time 9 minutes.

I remember the night that I found out Theo had died. The scene around me is sketched out in high intensity detail. Sharp, crystalline. Set. Each element remains in my mind, unchanged, embodying the permanence of the loss itself…

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Part 1: Three Journal Entries

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Saturday April 18th, 2020

Will Lucas died today…
I have a lot to say
But no words to say it right now
I am in shock beyond words
I do have questions
And feelings:
Sadness, Anger, Guilt
But mostly, I’m just Numb…

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Let’s Talk About Loss

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I am afraid that talking about my grief is a selfish thing. I am afraid that I am not grieving or have not grieved in the right way. I am afraid for people to see, and know, and judge. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that I am the only one judging myself here.
But I need to talk about it….

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On Desire

.Reading time 2 minutes.

There is something maddeningly seductive in depriving yourself of a desire you know you possess every power to fulfill. To be depraved is thrilling. Craving is more potent, more satisfying than satisfaction…

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HEAVY

.Reading time 5 minutes.

You felt good today. Productive, healthy. You felt yourself opening up, letting go, shedding ages of uncertainty and awaiting something new to lift you up and away. You saw the future. You felt control and purpose. You felt light and free, floating—but not aimlessly. You felt at ease with what was to come…

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The Cats Are Awake

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I like this hour, when the whole world sleeps and the cats prowl the earth, seeing what to all other eyes is hidden. Small creatures stir in the darkness while minds and bodies toss, either tumbling into oblivion or into the dawn. It is neither night nor morning, but some strange hour in between…

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An open letter to my notebook

.Reading time 3 minutes.

Hello, Tiny Notebook

You may not remember this, but we knew each other in a past life. Your past life, not mine. I haven’t died yet. At least, I don’t think I have. But, in your previous incarnation, we lived in Oakland, California. I had just started Art School. I worked at an ice cream shop…

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