Hey, hey, hey, welcome to Triple A, and no, it’s not car insurance. It’s a blog where I write about how I feel in a way that will maybe resonate with someone, somewhere, out there (though it will, doubtless, just disturb most people). In all likelihood, it’ll just be me, sitting here, screaming into the abyss as usual and waiting for someone to scream back. An echo. Of my psyche, my self, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my fear, my pleasure and my pain.
Isn’t that what we all want, what we all secretly hope for, deep down? An echo of our pain, our joy? To know that we’re alive simply by the recognition in another’s eyes? To see our own reflection in there, staring back? And if you’re shaking your head no right now, thinking “yeesh” or something along those lines, then you’re still lying to yourself.
So, here it is: my heart, my honesty, my attempt to understand myself, my existence and my experience in this world by laying it all out before you—more importantly before myself—and taking a good, hard look into the darkness.
To introspect is the equivalent of taking a flashlight into a scary dark tunnel and shining a light on all that was previously hidden by shadow. I hope that, in sharing with you, I will increase the intensity of that gaze, widen the surface area that this light can reach, transform the meager flashlight into a floodlight. Maybe it’ll help you, too. Maybe. In any case, sometimes it helps simply to share this walk with others. I am just now (I mean literally, just now, right now) accepting that it might be ok not to go it alone all the time.
What I will put on these pages will be rough, raw, and brutally honest to the point of discomfort (both for me, and likely for you, too). At the same time, it’s probably going to be pretty cheesy, perhaps sophomoric at times, but I am not here to say anything groundbreaking or earth shattering. I am here to crack myself open, much like an egg, pour it all out into the pan, and fucking hope I learn to cook.
After all, this is really how we get to the very bottom of things—by returning to the basics and asking the same questions over and over and over again until, finally, after much abuse and prodding, it breaks open and we are able to glean some new meaning once more. That’s why we always keep coming back to the same old shit—because it’s unresolved! There is more to it and you’ve decided to abandon it too soon, because you’re bored, or you’re afraid, or (most detrimentally) you’ve prematurely decided you’ve got it all figured out. So, it stays that way, unresolved.
Am I just making up excuses for some preconceived lack of depth, protecting myself from possible trolls (hahahahaha as if there is any protection from those sad pieces of shit), hiding behind my own insecurities?
But, honestly, I really don’t see it that way. Depth is developed by returning to the same dark pit time and time again, tunneling further and further in. Depth is not a myriad series of new, unrelated, discoveries, but a continued examination. It is without end. Eternal. There is no final, “aha!”, stage of enlightenment. It is pushing forward with courage and curiosity, until the unknown becomes familiar, the cold tunnel warm and cozy. Then, the darkness eases, your eyes adjust, and you see, perhaps for the first time, what was hidden beneath the rubble.
Or maybe I’m just full of shit, I don’t know, I certainly do not know.
Come searching and come questioning, but do not come here expecting answers. I don’t have them. I am quite certain that no one does.
All I can give you are my naked thoughts and experiences as they tumble from the mind to the pen to the page. But I can promise you, I’m not hiding anything. So, if you dare, let’s gaze deeply into the abyss and see who is looking back. If we’re lucky, we might find a moment of clarity, the whisper of an answer, a hint of understanding, perhaps even some profound truth. But most likely, we’ll just see each other. And that is a comfort too often overlooked.